Another Year Older

I have turned the corner.  I am in my "late" sixties and I am blessed to have my sweet family living close to me now.  I hope I have learned something over the past years so that they will continue to want to be near me!  I am trying to work on my insides because my outsides are showing my 67 years and it's not particularly pretty.  The grandkids stare at my spots and my wrinkles. It is so weird to see pictures of myself, because I don't always recognize me with the gray hair, the wrinkles, and the weird body shape.  Is that really me? To have some sort of balance, I have made a list of the things I would tell my 16 year old self if she would have listened, because while your outsides are declining, your insides can be improving and who doesn't like a nice head start?

So, 16 year old Corlea:

1. You are not always right.  You may think you are, but thinking you are can sometimes lead to your being even more wrong.  

2. Let it go.  For God's sake. Let it go. See # 1.  

3. Be quiet.  Even if someone ( a close friend, a family member) asks your opinion, they more than likely just want validation.If you don't agree with them, be vanilla. If they really want your opinion, they will usually come back to you with a more serious tone.

4. Do things that bring you joy. Whatever that is!  Because if you have joy, you will be able to spread it.  Joy is contagious that way.  

5. Don't skip out on God.  It will be easy to do, especially if things are going right for you.  You need to know there is more than just you out there!  Trust me, there are bumps in the road, abysses even.  Your Heavenly Father is going to be there for you in both times.  If you have love, you can spread it.  Love is contagious that way. 

6. Listen.  Listen to your friends, listen to good music, listen to your kids, listen to the outdoors. Listen to good stuff.  You know the difference. 

7. Opposites do not attract. Magnets do. You are not a magnet.    

8. Don't take too long to forgive. 

9. "As a man thinks, so he is".  Dwell on good stuff.  Good begets good.  My 67 year old self has witnessed this.  

10. Ask for help when you need it.  That goes for physical, psychological, directional even.  It is not a sign of weakness.

11. It's Ok if not everybody likes you. You don't have to be a pleaser.  Just be kind.

Well, I have my work cut out for me for the next year.  And just think-- what  if 16 year old Corlea had read and worked on this list for the last half century?  

What a difference 50 years makes.  

The Deepest Privilege

My cute little mama passed away at 91 earlier this week.  And I am crushed. She was not really ill until a week or two before her death, but I could see it coming.  She was tired and lonely and when she would forget an event, a visit with someone or talking with someone on the phone, of course it made her sad. My Mama was a "doer".  I don't think I have ever known anyone who was in constant motion like her. She was a pioneer of multitasking. And when she could no longer "do", she felt like she had no purpose. And it was impossible to pretend with her.  She was on to you in a minute. So I began in the last months to make my visits at the assisted living longer. I spent most afternoons just hanging out and talking.  We discussed everything from mothers-in-law and ex-husbands ( we had that in common) to her days during the Depression.  She would always tell me at the end of the visit how appreciative she was of the time I had spent with her and say her usual " thank you thank you thank you I love you love you love you." She would say she knew I had things to do rather than visit her, and she would thank me over and over---and want to buy me something or do something for me. I bet I will be the same way with my girls if I am ever in that position. You just want to do something and you no longer have the means. And it hurt me to watch. 
My mom was a cute little clown. She would kick up her legs, dance a jig and stop and pat the other residents when we would walk down the hall to get her mail or to go to an activity. The staff loved being around her because she was feisty and complimentary. She was fun to be around . You never knew what she was going to come out with or ask, so sometimes she would catch you off guard or even create an awkward moment.    
When I was a child, I thought she was the most beautiful creature I had ever seen.  She had a flair for fashion and knew how to rock those 50s clothes. I would beg her to let me brush her hair in the evenings, just wanting to get at those silky dark curls. Surely she knew how cute she was.  
And she was also one of the most complicated and frustrating people I have ever known.  She had an unpredictable temper and at the same time was a champion for the underdog. I have gotten phone calls, emails and texts from people she had touched by her just listening to them during a hard time. She had such a mixture of sweetness and vinegar. She loved to do things for everybody putting herself last most of the time. She was a longtime caregiver to her husband for eight years, and also nursed her mother and father, her aunt, and her mother-in-law. She loved attention but shunned it at times.  She was cooperative unless she thought you were not on her side..... then she became impossible. And you just had to keep reassuring her that she was OK just like she was.  
  He strong will served her well most of the time and those of us watching would sometimes just shake our heads, because things were going to be done her way.  Sometimes her strong will was not working for her and intervention was necessary. Then there was trouble. But there was usually a way around her---it just took creativity!
One of my sweetest memories will be when she was in the hospital about three weeks ago and was about to be discharged. This just sums up the kind of impact my mom had on people. We opened the shade to the window in the hall and she would wave and speak to every single person who walked down the hall. When it was time to leave, the nurses came in and told us how they were going to miss her after a week's visit....that she was so much fun and such a joy to treat.  Even the lady who cleaned the room came back to give her a hug.  And my Mama's standard reply was "Bless your heart, honey...bless your heart." 
I will not have the same life I have been leading now that she is gone. These last events were life changing.  I will have more time for myself--something she was always worried about but something that I was fine to give up. She was in my every day. And I was in her leaving this world. She was strong and feisty even in the end.  I told her not to hang on for me but when she was ready she should go.  I didn't want her to continue to struggle because she was worried about leaving me--something she had told me lots of times before. The room was quiet and dark--just the way she liked it--I told her I loved her and she told me she loved me.  
And a few minutes later she was gone. Even though I knew she was dying I was still shocked in a way. Death is hard to acknowledge even when it is right smack in front of you and you know it is coming.  But being there in such a personal moment is worth that terrible final realization of what just happened.  Because loving your mother to the end is the deepest privilege of all.

                                          Loving her granddaughters

Reflections

Memphis Botanical Gardens, October 2010

Now that the flurry of the holidays is behind me, and because I have had the time to think about things, I am even more convinced that I need to get going on my bucket list or at least accomplish some things that are worthwhile.  I mean, time is a tickin' and the next ten years ought to reflect what I think is important to do or at least begin.  I see myself continually shifting to an "older" person, and it is indeed hard to swallow.

  Here's a quick list of why I know I'm breaking out of the loop of YOUNG at a pretty fast clip:

1. I read books like I Remember Nothing by Nora Ephron and totally relate.  How many people below the age of 50 would read a book with a title like that ?   I even think Nora and I could be friends even though we are from completely different backgrounds, because I think aging is a unifier. (sigh)

2. People ask me about my grandkids, not my children, though I'm delighted to expound on that amazing subject.  

3. I don't understand how "Jersey Shore" is the most viewed MTV series and has more than 1 million viewers.  Clark and I tried to watch it, and we didn't make it 3 minutes.

4.  I don't get Snooki.....

5. or her hair bump......

6. or that she has written a novel, and it was published.

7. I have to look up FB terminology to understand some people's posts.

8. I have only 1 app on my cell phone out of --how many?? 5000 or so? I thought I was really "with it" when I could sync my contacts from my mac to my blackberry-- and that I could Skype from my blackberry.  My blackberry is so yesterday. But could I use the iphone to its full potential?  

9.  I don't know any of the people on the cover of US Weekly, and when I thumb through it at the grocery check-out, I don't know any of the people inside either.

10. I have to look at the keyboard in order to text AND I always get the alt and the capital confused and have to delete and do over taking texting longer than making a phone call.

11. I act like I know what my kids are talking about even when I have no idea.  

12. My kids don't ask my opinion about very many things, even though I think I might have some insight on certain subjects.  (maybe because of # 11?)

13. Working out in the gym is a lot more difficult physically and mentally...... uh, is there an app for that?????

It's Hell Getting Old, but Go Ahead and Laugh

Mama who is 5'1" and her youngest grandson, Jackson, 6'4"

Well, it's here.  I turn 60 tomorrow.  But this post is not about my growing old.  What's on my mind is my mother.  She stayed with us for about 9 days,so that she could see doctors in Memphis for various conditions you might imagine an 87 year old might have.  I took her back to her house yesterday, and on the drive back to Memphis, I thought of the week we had had.  What stood out to me during all of her doctor visits and needle pricks is that she has a great sense of humor, and that has helped her through awkward medical moments, rude and cold nurses, and doctors' comments which would not win them any bedside manner awards.  I continue to be amazed at how harsh a diagnosis can sound just by the way it is worded.  And then there are the health care professionals that you would like to take out to dinner because you enjoyed your brief encounter with them so much.  And that's what is so concerning to me.  You wait and wait and wait ---in our case 3 1/2 hours for one appointment and 2 hours for another.   And you actually see the doctor a little over 10 minutes if you are lucky.  And most of us would prefer the doc to be kind and attentive for those 10 minutes.  ( and some are )  But I noticed when the bedside manner went south, Mama would go into lockdown.   I can't help but wonder how often that happens with other patients.   I can still tolerate a doc who is not the sweetest person on the block, but when you are old and tired, and you feel old and tired, I think the bedside manner is HUGE.   So, on the way back to my house, we would try to find something funny about the appointment, or how neither one of us could remember where the car was parked in the cavernous parking garage, and we would laugh.  Or we would pretend to reverse roles and show that doctor how to speak to a patient the right way.  I just wonder if health care professionals realize how much their attitude affects the attitude of their patients.  Some just don't "play well with others".  And it is disappointing, not to mention a heap of trouble to take a chance on another doctor who may or may not have the same personality drawbacks.  It just makes me think about how much more pleasant it would be to have an uplifting, positive doctor, nurse prac, or staff member accompanying you as you make your way out of this life.  Because the doctor's office is about the only place you go when you are elderly and you feel bad.    

So I'm hoping that if I make it in this life another 27 years, I will be able to laugh at myself and at the people who are foolish enough not to show empathy to an octogenarian who feels like crap.  

 "A cheerful heart makes good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones." Proverbs 17:22 

Do I hear an "Amen"?

Mirror Mirror on the Wall

I try not to look at you at all.

Lately, I have become sadly aware that I do not look like the 30 something that I still feel that I am inside. I'm continually surprised when a young mother or father will reply to me with a "yes ma'am" or "no ma'am". I have actually looked behind me when someone has addressed me like that. My insides just don't seem to match my outsides.

I think my daughters think I am seriously older-- not just in how I look but in the things I do or say or forget. When I visit them and ask for directions, I better pay close attention, because I get the "I already told you once" look or the "remember when you were here last time?" awkward moment before they tell me again. I mean, I have always had a major directional problem. nothing new there- But I know they think I'm losing it already...just a little.....right girls??

Passing by a mirror used to mean a quick check: hair, teeth, eye make-up, etc. Now I just keep going and hope I don't catch myself giving a swift glance. It's just too disappointing. I don't think of myself as ridiculously vain. It's just that it's a small surprise to see the wrinkles, the aging neck, and the thinning hair. The person staring back at me is someone I'm just not used to yet. It's like it happened overnight, too. One day, I was holding my own, the next---well, you get the image. Speaking of images, Emma Kate calls the wicked queen a "yucky lady". When she asked me recently why I have polka dots on my hands, I felt like one. You gotta be thick skinned to be a mimi.