In 1963 in my small town, nobody I knew had parents who divorced. Mine did. It was messy, public, and humiliating to a 13 year old who had no idea about family dynamics, personalities in a marriage, and changes of heart. I just knew that my dad left. I felt abandoned and I felt shame. It was a tough time, and in those days, nobody talked about it---there were no divorce seminars for parents and no counseling for kids. I cried. A lot. And it affected me in ways I didn't even realize until much later. Visitation with my dad became more and more awkward, and in the end, I just didn't want to see him. He was busy and had a new life, and I didn't really fit into that scene.
For many years, I barely spoke to him. And he didn't seem to mind. He missed my wedding, the birth of my two daughters, and I missed lots of life with him. I thought I moved on, and I figured he had moved on-----because if you don't communicate, you truly do not know what the other person has in his heart.
Then I had a similar experience in my own marriage which required forgiveness, and I realized I needed to reach out to my dad as well. It didn't happen overnight, because when you foster that much resentment, it takes a lot of work to unravel the web of bitterness that you have been weaving.
So I decided to write my dad a letter asking for forgiveness and to tell him that I forgave him too. It was hard to write because my pride wanted to change every sentence to "It's all your fault". And I had talked myself into believing that for so many years, because I kept waiting for him to jump in first. I remember how I felt when I put it into the mail. I was self-righteous and proud of myself. I had done the "right thing". So I went on with my busy life thinking I would not hear from him but at least I had done what I could. But that's not what happened at all. He wrote back and said he would love a relationship with me and that we should meet soon. Not what I was expecting! Now the ball was in my court again and I really felt that I had to follow through. My kids were watching, and I felt that God was compelling me to respond.
We met in Memphis, with all of the family in tow, and if you know my dad, you know he will put you at ease in any situation. For the next 20 years, we did not dwell on the past, but enjoyed each other in the present. I am so blessed to have taken the step to reconcile with my dad and to have had him for the bumps in my road when he could be the cheerleader I needed, and I hope I was the same for him. Sometimes people say that they "lost" their loved one when they pass away, but I can't say I lost my dad. Because even in his death yesterday, as I was kneeling beside him, I knew I had found him.
