Some people have a hard time with certain holidays,and one of my not-so-great memories happens to fall on Labor Day weekend.
Sixteen years ago on this weekend, my husband of 28 years and I moved our younger daughter to Texas A&M for her freshman year. I was sad knowing that our last chick had left the roost, but little did I know that my life would change a lot more. I was about to have an empty nest. In a big way.
I knew my marriage was not special, nor was it particularly good. And I knew I was not cherished or even enjoyed as a spouse. I was also suspicious of my husband's fidelity and had confronted him, but he would blow me off and would not engage in a conversation. So I plodded along, running interference for him with parenting two teenagers and in his absence for high school end of the year activities.
Anyway, after we returned home from the college move-in, he told me we needed to talk, and proceeded to tell me that I was going in one direction and he was going in another ....what exactly does that mean?? He said he did not want a divorce but he needed to go live somewhere else for a while to sort things out. That makes perfect sense, right? And here's the kicker: he gave me no phone number or address where I could contact him. Twenty eight years and I get a pager number. And when he walked out, of course, I knew it was over. So, after throwing up several times because that is what I do when I am extremely upset and/or frightened, I got to work on what I thought I needed to do to prepare for a divorce--something I never ever thought I would do. And something I was afraid to do especially with my family history. If I hadn't had my close friends and family supporting me, feeding me, praying for me, and putting me to bed after pity parties involving alcohol, I would not have gotten through it. It seemed that in the midst of one of the worst times of my life, I was the beneficiary of some of the best love and benevolence ever. But outside of your really close friends, people just don't know what to do with you when your marriage fails. Divorce is like a death without the casseroles and the funeral. My family as I knew it had dissolved, and I was humiliated and embarrassed. And very sad. I think we have an idea as to what our later years will look like when our kids leave, and this was not what I had pictured at all. I was so self conscious, I would hide in the grocery store when I saw someone I knew. Most people just did not know what to say or do because they were uncomfortable with hearing gossip and then seeing me. And I was feeling judged because I was judging myself-- if I was the right kind of person and had been a good wife, my marriage would not have been falling apart. That's what I thought, and that's what I carried with me. And I infused resentment, hurt, discouragement and confusion along with the feelings of inferiority. So basically I was a mess. And I stayed a mess for a while.
Coming out of the dark, I learned a lot of things about myself which explained some of the choices I made when I was younger. And I learned that letting go of something that is not healthy is hard but it allows you to develop and nurture a better you. So, when Labor Day arrives every year, I am reminded of another life, one that was not all bad, but one that needed change--for the better.
Anyway, after we returned home from the college move-in, he told me we needed to talk, and proceeded to tell me that I was going in one direction and he was going in another ....what exactly does that mean?? He said he did not want a divorce but he needed to go live somewhere else for a while to sort things out. That makes perfect sense, right? And here's the kicker: he gave me no phone number or address where I could contact him. Twenty eight years and I get a pager number. And when he walked out, of course, I knew it was over. So, after throwing up several times because that is what I do when I am extremely upset and/or frightened, I got to work on what I thought I needed to do to prepare for a divorce--something I never ever thought I would do. And something I was afraid to do especially with my family history. If I hadn't had my close friends and family supporting me, feeding me, praying for me, and putting me to bed after pity parties involving alcohol, I would not have gotten through it. It seemed that in the midst of one of the worst times of my life, I was the beneficiary of some of the best love and benevolence ever. But outside of your really close friends, people just don't know what to do with you when your marriage fails. Divorce is like a death without the casseroles and the funeral. My family as I knew it had dissolved, and I was humiliated and embarrassed. And very sad. I think we have an idea as to what our later years will look like when our kids leave, and this was not what I had pictured at all. I was so self conscious, I would hide in the grocery store when I saw someone I knew. Most people just did not know what to say or do because they were uncomfortable with hearing gossip and then seeing me. And I was feeling judged because I was judging myself-- if I was the right kind of person and had been a good wife, my marriage would not have been falling apart. That's what I thought, and that's what I carried with me. And I infused resentment, hurt, discouragement and confusion along with the feelings of inferiority. So basically I was a mess. And I stayed a mess for a while.
Coming out of the dark, I learned a lot of things about myself which explained some of the choices I made when I was younger. And I learned that letting go of something that is not healthy is hard but it allows you to develop and nurture a better you. So, when Labor Day arrives every year, I am reminded of another life, one that was not all bad, but one that needed change--for the better.
