Another Year Older

I have turned the corner.  I am in my "late" sixties and I am blessed to have my sweet family living close to me now.  I hope I have learned something over the past years so that they will continue to want to be near me!  I am trying to work on my insides because my outsides are showing my 67 years and it's not particularly pretty.  The grandkids stare at my spots and my wrinkles. It is so weird to see pictures of myself, because I don't always recognize me with the gray hair, the wrinkles, and the weird body shape.  Is that really me? To have some sort of balance, I have made a list of the things I would tell my 16 year old self if she would have listened, because while your outsides are declining, your insides can be improving and who doesn't like a nice head start?

So, 16 year old Corlea:

1. You are not always right.  You may think you are, but thinking you are can sometimes lead to your being even more wrong.  

2. Let it go.  For God's sake. Let it go. See # 1.  

3. Be quiet.  Even if someone ( a close friend, a family member) asks your opinion, they more than likely just want validation.If you don't agree with them, be vanilla. If they really want your opinion, they will usually come back to you with a more serious tone.

4. Do things that bring you joy. Whatever that is!  Because if you have joy, you will be able to spread it.  Joy is contagious that way.  

5. Don't skip out on God.  It will be easy to do, especially if things are going right for you.  You need to know there is more than just you out there!  Trust me, there are bumps in the road, abysses even.  Your Heavenly Father is going to be there for you in both times.  If you have love, you can spread it.  Love is contagious that way. 

6. Listen.  Listen to your friends, listen to good music, listen to your kids, listen to the outdoors. Listen to good stuff.  You know the difference. 

7. Opposites do not attract. Magnets do. You are not a magnet.    

8. Don't take too long to forgive. 

9. "As a man thinks, so he is".  Dwell on good stuff.  Good begets good.  My 67 year old self has witnessed this.  

10. Ask for help when you need it.  That goes for physical, psychological, directional even.  It is not a sign of weakness.

11. It's Ok if not everybody likes you. You don't have to be a pleaser.  Just be kind.

Well, I have my work cut out for me for the next year.  And just think-- what  if 16 year old Corlea had read and worked on this list for the last half century?  

What a difference 50 years makes.  

Fantastic Voyage

As I zip up my backpack to put it up for who knows how long, I wonder where I will carry it next.  It is a little sad to come home from a long awaited adventure and not know what will happen around the corner.  I think it is important to have something to look forward to no matter how big or small.  
I was pretty nervous about this "Trip of a Lifetime".  When I hear that phrase, it usually means that I will have experiences out of my control and out of my comfort zone.  Both of which happened on this trip.   
 Here were my fears not in any particular order:
1. Would  I come face to face with a bear or a mountain lion? 
2. Would I be constantly cold?  
3. Would I be able to keep up with the younger folks on the trip?
4. Would I be able to paddle for five days in a row with tendonitis in my right shoulder? 
5. Would I be able to poop?
6. Could I manage to sleep on the ground for a week without being sleep deprived?
7. Would there be anybody on the trip that I would enjoy being with?
I had to ask myself if I would let these fears trump the one-of-a-kind beautiful experience that I was blessed with and sharing with my soul mate. (who had absolutely none of my trepidation)
So I got ready:
I prepared for the trip the best I could by researching and listening to Kathy who had done it before. (Thank you, thank you!) I unpacked two extra pairs of shorts so I would have room for my pillow. I packed lots of layers realizing I could stuff things into my dry bag as the day warmed up. I rode my bike an hour a day 5 days a week and walked as much as possible. I bought a Tilley hat and lots of sunscreen. The rest was not in my control.  
So on day one the beauty and the magnificence of the Middle Fork of the Salmon River and the expertise of the guides dissolved any creature discomfort I might have whined about. The astounding beauty of the Frank Church Wilderness was incredible. I learned about the families rafting with us--they all had a life story. I learned about the land and the homesteaders who loved it and lived on it, the hermit, Earl Parott, who lived on the river in almost total seclusion, the Native Americans who called the Middle Fork their home, the waterfalls of the Impassable Canyon. We came to hot springs along the trip just when the weather was turning chilly. But not everything was perfect and not everything was comfortable. It was not supposed to be.   
 And I realized that the only way to be fully in the moment of that wilderness was to forget about all the things that would keep me from the joy of that moment. I did return from the "River of no Return" wanting to go on another adventure.  A fantastic voyage-much like life.  

My America, The Beautiful

 I decided to take a departure from the every day political craziness all around us and put together a collection of photos from places I have been and of people I love. Choosing pictures from my thousands left me happy and appreciative. I bet you have a gazillion pictures too. I am so grateful to live here. We have a lot to be thankful for. Thank you, Katharine Lee Bates.                                                                  

O beautiful for spacious skies

For amber waves of grain

For purple mountain majesties

Above the fruited plain!

America! 

America!

God shed His grace on thee,

 

   

And crown thy good with brotherhood

From sea to shining sea!

I Know You Don't Mean To

I have been told that I am blunt and to the point. And I have probably offended people along the way with my opinions. I am mortified and sorry when I find out I have hurt someone's feelings because I would never intend to hurt anybody. In this instance, though, I realize I might make you feel bad,so If what I am about to say resonates with you, I hope you will take it as constructive, because I know you don't mean to hurt anyone either.  Here goes:

Recently, Clark and I attended a funeral of a family friend.  Several of our college buddies were there-some of whom we hadn't seen in a long time. In our conversations, we usually get around to the fact that Clark and I dated in college, married other people, divorced our original spouses and then found each other again.  It is a sweet story, one that I am grateful for, and one that everybody seems happy about and believe me--I am super happy about-- but it doesn't stop there.  

So many times we hear the well meaning, "Oh, your lives worked out for the BEST! Everybody involved is with the right person and you have to admit that everybody is so much better off now. Your former spouses did you a favor!" And I am thinking to myself that everybody is not really better off now---just different. In our case, we were able to create beauty from ashes but the way our lives would have worked out for the best would have been a strong and true marriage the first time around. Divorce is complicated and there are definitely trickle down consequences. Besides being overwhelming in so many different ways for me, the kids, of course, were impacted. It was difficult for my girls to give up their family home and visit me in a new city for holidays. It's also hard to know how kids feel when a parent abandons them emotionally and/or physically and how it manifests in lots of different ways. I could go on and on with the downside of divorce and I am sure you know the laundry list of negatives. I don't think when you tell us that we as a couple are much better off you are wanting to engage in a debate on the pros and cons of splitting up. You are just trying to make it make sense somehow. But that's really not necessary. We have worked through it privately and I can tell you that now, today, I am neither bitter nor unforgiving. But that is not for a casual conversation. And I want to give you a heads up so that you do not continue to say these things to other people in similar situations.  It's rather like the comment to a person who just lost a close family member to death and gets the comment from a well meaning friend that they are "in a better place". I am sure the better place for the person still living would be right next to them. Alive and healthy. 

Back to the funeral conversation--what we did is we smiled weakly and agreed with the friends who told us this, because we knew they really meant well, and maybe they wanted to make themselves feel better or they thought they were giving us a compliment. Or maybe they don't want to think ill of the other folks involved so this is their way of rationalizing bad behavior. I just wish people would not put us on the spot to agree to something that we don't believe. We are not going to argue the point at a funeral or a wedding or any other public forum that would be inappropriate for that kind of reckoning. I know you don't mean to, but you are making us feel awkward. Unless you have gone through a divorce yourself, you could not understand that there is nothing superlative about a failed marriage. ... even if the later outcome is a wonderful new spouse. You are diminishing the loss we experienced and the emotional trauma that we felt when you imply that we should thank our original spouses for leaving the marriage. Please don't make me say nice things about my ex because you need to hear it.  We have cordial relationships with our ex spouses and we have moved on. But what if we didn't? Everybody's personal journey is theirs.  

  What we want you to say is:  " Glad you are together"  or  " You really look happy" or "So happy for you". But stop there!  We don't want to admit to something that's just not true, So, please, try not to put words in our mouths, and we promise not to talk about you on the way home.  

What I have in common with HRC

I really don't love Hillary, but I also think that she is unfairly judged on a number of 
issues. One in particular is that if she stayed married to Bill with his cheating ways, then she must condone that behavior.  
I have heard from people that because she stayed with Bill, she therefore "stood by her man" which in a lot of people's minds is a strike against her and women's rights.  I tend to think that it is a woman's right to decide whether it is best for her and her family to stay and try to work things out. It is tough either way when you have been betrayed, especially in the public forum. I was a child of a father who cheated, and then I went and married someone who did the same thing.  In my father's case, I scolded him (I was 14) and the outcome was that he quit speaking to me and his mother (my grandmother) disowned me, and I did not see her side of the family until after her death. Most people don't know that about my dad because he rarely let on that there was a problem. We worked things out later, but I was trying so hard in my own marriage to make things work and regain trust because I knew first hand what the ramifications are for the kids as well as the parents and grandparents in a split-up. When my ex first ran around on me, I was but 33. I did not want to give up on my family for dozens and dozens of reasons.  And those reasons are different for everyone. And he appeared to want to stay, so we tried---and 14 years later he did it again ( with some sprinkled in between probably) and tried to mask his adultery with his spending problems, but we were done because I knew. I knew because the same behavior patterns surfaced. I did not think our marriage was worth fighting for by myself. I was older, and wiser and the kids were older and even though I knew it was going to be tough (and it was) I was through being married to a cheater and the emotional drama de jour.   
Maybe Hillary and Bill love each other and they've worked through it. Maybe they have a system that works, or maybe they will split up sometime in the future. But knowing what I know from a child's standpoint and a wife's standpoint who has gone through a betrayal of the worst kind, "standing by your man" is not what I would call it. It's something we are called to do---forgiveness. And maybe it worked for them.  

I Didn't Know, I Just Didn't Know

My grandmother used to say that. And I'm feeling it right now. I didn't know how hard Christmas would be this year. My mama is in the grocery store in the stacks of canned tart cherries, she's in the fudge I will make tomorrow, and she's in Walgreens in the candy and gum aisle. And then there's my dad who I could  knock things around with.  And he's no longer a phone call away. I know having parents into their 90s is a blessing, but I just miss them. And I suspect that the other big losses I had this year in two close friends dying and the loss of sweet Ellie have compounded my somber attitude. And then there's other stuff that is just too pitiful to mention. Heck, yeah, I have a million things to be thankful for.  And my kids and grandkids are the best. Then there's Clark who is really special.  But I can still be a little bummed out at this time of year, right? And did I mention that I miss mom? When Hattie was with us two weeks ago, we talked about her "Mamaw".  She said, " Mimi, heaven is far far away."  Yes it is, Hattie. Yes it is.  

"And hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been
poured out within our hearts through the Holy spirit who was given to us"
Romans 5:5

One of a Kind

Ellie, you're killing me.Your first road trip with us when we picked you up from your foster family was a foreshadow of life with you, our new baby. You never poked your head out of the window like other dogs. You were two years old. What Golden Retriever doesn't like the wind in her face? You stayed in the floorboard from Chattanooga to Montgomery. And you made the car smelly all the way home.  
You wouldn't get near us when we brought you home but stayed in our closet only to come out when we coaxed you with pieces of steak we kept in our pockets. When our neighbors came to welcome you to the street, you were not in the greeting mood. 
You would run off when you could and when we called you, you would look over your shoulder and keep going with that over the top donkey kick of yours. 
 You refused to get into your crate no matter what kind of food we threw in there.  You even convinced me to get in there first to show you it wasn't so bad, but you didn't hold up your end of the bargain. I ended up giving it to our neighbors whose dog knew how to follow commands. 
 I had to literally drag you into obedience school because you would not get out of the car.  We had to have help to get you in the door every time. You did not enjoy school like the other dogs seemed to. But we finished the course and you were at the top of the class. Your only break was when a man with a booming voice interrupted our final exam.  All of our practice paid off even though you didn't seem to want to go like the other dogs. 
When Jetta and Ford would come to get you for a walk with their mom, Kathy, you would run off with them and not pay attention when we pleaded with you to come home.   We hunted you down in the country more times than I can count. You didn't come when Clark whistled or called like the other two dogs.  
You were a Golden Retriever!!  But you would slink into the other room if we threw a ball. You refused to fetch a ball even when I put it in my mouth to show you how retrieving works. And when we went to the huge dog park at Shelby Farms, you would not go in the water after a stick. You would wallow like crazy in the hot and sticky mud on the edge of the lake until you got ear fungus from all the gook in your ears.  You never learned to swim like the other dogs. You just sat on the edge and watched the others frolicking in the water.  
After your first year with us, you began to approach people with a waggy tail and you followed me around like a shadow attached to my heels.You busted into the bathroom while I sat on the toilet. You would peek into the closet to make sure I was in there when I was getting dressed. You alarmed us of oncoming storms long before they arrived by helping yourself to our shower floor. You loved your walks, chasing squirrels, and wallowing---always the wallowing.  Every few feet you would throw yourself onto the ground, kick your feet skyward, and begin to writhe on the grass. I would tell you to wait and hold the leash tight so that you wouldn't wallow in the dirt before we made it to a better place to scratch your back.  Our walks were not like the other dogs'. 
And you know what?  I loved that you were not like other dogs. You made our lives interesting and funny and memorable.  I would not have traded you for any of the other dogs that were predictable and obedient and compliant.  I will always  remember your sweet disposition, your quiet demeanor, your stubborn streak, and your constant attentiveness to me, down to your kisses for me this morning. You were not like the other dogs.  You were perfect.