I Know You Don't Mean To

I have been told that I am blunt and to the point. And I have probably offended people along the way with my opinions. I am mortified and sorry when I find out I have hurt someone's feelings because I would never intend to hurt anybody. In this instance, though, I realize I might make you feel bad,so If what I am about to say resonates with you, I hope you will take it as constructive, because I know you don't mean to hurt anyone either.  Here goes:

Recently, Clark and I attended a funeral of a family friend.  Several of our college buddies were there-some of whom we hadn't seen in a long time. In our conversations, we usually get around to the fact that Clark and I dated in college, married other people, divorced our original spouses and then found each other again.  It is a sweet story, one that I am grateful for, and one that everybody seems happy about and believe me--I am super happy about-- but it doesn't stop there.  

So many times we hear the well meaning, "Oh, your lives worked out for the BEST! Everybody involved is with the right person and you have to admit that everybody is so much better off now. Your former spouses did you a favor!" And I am thinking to myself that everybody is not really better off now---just different. In our case, we were able to create beauty from ashes but the way our lives would have worked out for the best would have been a strong and true marriage the first time around. Divorce is complicated and there are definitely trickle down consequences. Besides being overwhelming in so many different ways for me, the kids, of course, were impacted. It was difficult for my girls to give up their family home and visit me in a new city for holidays. It's also hard to know how kids feel when a parent abandons them emotionally and/or physically and how it manifests in lots of different ways. I could go on and on with the downside of divorce and I am sure you know the laundry list of negatives. I don't think when you tell us that we as a couple are much better off you are wanting to engage in a debate on the pros and cons of splitting up. You are just trying to make it make sense somehow. But that's really not necessary. We have worked through it privately and I can tell you that now, today, I am neither bitter nor unforgiving. But that is not for a casual conversation. And I want to give you a heads up so that you do not continue to say these things to other people in similar situations.  It's rather like the comment to a person who just lost a close family member to death and gets the comment from a well meaning friend that they are "in a better place". I am sure the better place for the person still living would be right next to them. Alive and healthy. 

Back to the funeral conversation--what we did is we smiled weakly and agreed with the friends who told us this, because we knew they really meant well, and maybe they wanted to make themselves feel better or they thought they were giving us a compliment. Or maybe they don't want to think ill of the other folks involved so this is their way of rationalizing bad behavior. I just wish people would not put us on the spot to agree to something that we don't believe. We are not going to argue the point at a funeral or a wedding or any other public forum that would be inappropriate for that kind of reckoning. I know you don't mean to, but you are making us feel awkward. Unless you have gone through a divorce yourself, you could not understand that there is nothing superlative about a failed marriage. ... even if the later outcome is a wonderful new spouse. You are diminishing the loss we experienced and the emotional trauma that we felt when you imply that we should thank our original spouses for leaving the marriage. Please don't make me say nice things about my ex because you need to hear it.  We have cordial relationships with our ex spouses and we have moved on. But what if we didn't? Everybody's personal journey is theirs.  

  What we want you to say is:  " Glad you are together"  or  " You really look happy" or "So happy for you". But stop there!  We don't want to admit to something that's just not true, So, please, try not to put words in our mouths, and we promise not to talk about you on the way home.  

In Praise of Forgiveness

In 1963 in my small town, nobody I knew had parents who divorced.  Mine did. It was messy, public, and humiliating to a 13 year old who had no idea about family dynamics, personalities in a marriage, and changes of heart.  I just knew that my dad left. I felt abandoned and I felt shame.  It was a tough time, and in those days, nobody talked about it---there were no divorce seminars for parents and no counseling for kids.  I cried. A lot.  And it affected me in ways I didn't even realize until much later.  Visitation with my dad became more and more awkward, and in the end, I just didn't want to see him. He was busy and had a new life, and I didn't really fit into that scene.

For many years, I barely spoke to him. And he didn't seem to mind.  He missed my wedding, the birth of my two daughters, and I missed lots of life with him. I thought I moved on, and I figured he had moved on-----because if you don't communicate, you truly do not know what the other person has in his heart.

Then I had a similar experience in my own marriage which required forgiveness, and I realized I needed to reach out to my dad as well. It didn't happen overnight, because when you foster that much resentment, it takes a lot of work to unravel the web of bitterness that you have been weaving.

So I decided to write my dad a letter asking for forgiveness and to tell him that I forgave him too.  It was hard to write because my pride wanted to change every sentence to "It's all your fault". And I had talked myself into believing that for so many years, because I kept waiting for him to jump in first.  I remember how I felt when I put it into the mail.  I was self-righteous and proud of myself.  I had done the "right thing".  So I went on with my busy life thinking I would not hear from him but at least I had done what I could.  But that's not what happened at all.  He wrote back and said he would love a relationship with me and that we should meet soon.  Not what I was expecting!  Now the ball was in my court again and I really felt that I had to follow through.  My kids were watching, and I felt that God was compelling me to respond.

We met in Memphis, with all of the family in tow, and if you know my dad, you know he will put you at ease in any situation.  For the next 20 years, we did not dwell on the past, but enjoyed each other in the present.  I am so blessed to have taken the step to reconcile with my dad and to have had him for the bumps in my road when he could be the cheerleader I needed, and I hope I was the same for him. Sometimes people say that they "lost" their loved one when they pass away, but I can't say I lost my dad. Because even in his death yesterday, as I was kneeling beside him, I knew I had found him.