Father's Day Isn't Always Easy

From the time I was twelve until I was off to college, My relationship with my Dad was shatterable. Then in my freshman year of college, it completely imploded. In the early years, he was interested in women other than my mother, which led to their divorce, but also to the divorce of us kids. He was just not there-not for holidays, not for Dad's nights out, not for Girl Scout Father's suppers. At first, he did sometimes try to arrange visits with me, but if I was a busy teen, he didn't try to find a way. I think we find ways to do what is important to us. Not having a father to talk to, confide in, and generally love me left a hole that was never completely filled. 

After I went off to college and for years after, our relationship was a wreck.There was a time when I spoke to him in front of the meat counter at Kroger when I was visiting my mother with my three year old daughter whom he had never met, and he did not recognize me. I had to tell him who I was.That was hard. And I thought that short meeting would get him going. He would do the "right thing" and try to make amends. After all, there sat his first granddaughter in the cart looking adorable, and there I was, obviously pregnant with a second baby. 
I kept waiting and waiting but it became apparent that he wasn't going to move his chess piece. We were at a standoff, wasting time.You see, I thought if he cared enough about me, he would try to contact me after that.  It didn't happen until twelve years later when I made the first move.

But what I am trying to convey today is that you may be in the same position with your father not measuring up, and you struggle to find the right Father's Day card with a message that is not so flowery and gooey. You might want to email him or text him but you don't have the right words or the heart to do it so you don't.
 If he has hurt you in ways that there is no going back, I get it. Not every man should be a father. But if you know in your heart that the things he has done or not done as they pertain to you are weaknesses of a human who is worth your time, you could try to reach out.It won't be easy and you will be taking a risk with your heart. And maybe your outcome won't be positive. But you can know deep down that you did what you could to repair two souls that were broken. 

I pray that we could be the following for everybody in these days, including our fathers:
"Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving each other just as God in Christ also has forgiven you." Ephesians 4:31-32.

I did not want to learn the word Pangolin

Ok. I admit it. I am beginning to feel that the zombie apocalypse is approaching. I went to my local grocery store today, and I got the feeling we were preparing for a hurricane in the middle of March in Central Texas.

The hand sanitizer was all gone as well as the Clorox wipes. So of course, I got a little nervous: not that those supplies were gone, but that the people who bought them thought it was necessary to get them now. I guess that 's how panic begins. 

It's so bizarre to me that an animal called a pangolin (it 's a mammal that looks like an armadillo had sex with an anteater) or maybe an Asian bat sold in a wet market in China could have this effect across the ocean. I don't know why China and the rest of the world didn't learn a lesson after 2003 when SARS  also originated from animals. Science is real. Wild animals like crocs and civets and pigs and chickens and snakes and bats and pangolins don't belong in close quarters with us humans. 

I understand there are cultural differences and pangolin meat is considered a status symbol, but if there is no one left to eat said animal, that seems counterintuitive. I read where pangolin scales are traded illegally and are ground up for pills. The Chinese use them for all kinds of ailments and there are stir fry recipes for the meat on social media. The Asian species are all but gone so now they are traded on the black market from Africa. Just recently a 14 ton ship load of pangolin scales were seized in Singapore from 72,000 Nigerian pangolins. But let's say it's not that animal, but perhaps a bat who is responsible. The species doesn't really matter! We are co-mingling with wild animals that have already proven to be deadly.

Is there anybody out there who can fix this cultural difference?  Maybe we can send some scientists, researchers, and educators into the communities that continue to mix humans with wild animals.  In the meantime, we will continue to be the victims of zoonotic diseases-- brought to you by a host of  critters who would be very happy, I am sure, if we just left them alone to live their best lives. 

We need to pray for science to triumph. And the scientists who are researching and working in the labs for a vaccine on our behalf. We could pray for all of those health care workers and doctors who are on the front lines. And those people on the floating petri dishes in the ocean, and really, all of us, because we are going to be affected in some way if we are not already. This is Lenten season for me, and there is no time like the present to join together in prayer for everybody and everything. 

After I close my computer, I plan on a long talk with God. Then,

I am going to grab a Corona Lite and jump into my hot tub and try not to think about what I have just written.  My choice of beer is appropriate, don't you think? 

UPDATE: So many things have happened in the world of covid since I wrote this 3 years ago. I wonder if we'll ever know the origin of this disease. We are so fortunate to have a vaccine today. On another note,  I doubt it was the pangolin's fault!

An Angel Year Round

As I was putting the Christmas ornaments on the tree this year, I was reminded (again) of one of my mother's friends who made paper angels and had given me one each year for a number of years. She did not have a lot of money, but was one of the most generous people I have ever known: generous with her time, her wisdom, and her talents. She had not had what most people would call a successful life through no fault of her own. Not having a lot of material things, she did not complain or gossip or say anything negative about anyone. If she had unkind things to say, I never heard them.  
She was a mentor of sorts for Mom, and Mom loved her. I loved her.  My kids loved her.  
When she walked into a room, she was all smiles and compliments, and they were genuine.  She found something good about everybody and even wrote a small book about the folks in our small town, citing what was worth noting for each person. As I get older, I realize what a gift that was. She was able to find the good stuff in people, even when their bad stuff showed.

She would pop in at my mom's house unannounced, and it was always with a handmade gift.  But what stood out to me was her spirit. She had a wonderful laugh and used it quite often. Her eyes sparkled as she and my mother would discuss Biblical scripture and how they could apply it to their lives. She exuded joy and faith and she lived it.

When I divorced decades later, she wrote me the most beautiful letter. She had a way of suggesting how to negotiate through life without being preachy. I listened to her because she was experienced in living life and taking the negatives on the chin. Her message was forgiveness and eventual joy in finding it.  

I think she wanted everyone to experience the love and joy and kindness you can have in your heart--your soul, if you make the decision to do so.  I think that was her secret--she chose finding the positive and the wonderful in people and it seemed effortless to me.  

I wonder if you have an angel right now or in your past that made a difference in your life. I am grateful for mine, and one of her gifts to me sits atop my tree in a well deserved place. 

On the Road with Scout

Our dog, Scout is not a good traveler.  With some encouragement, he will go with us, but he is not the kind of dog who will excitedly jump in when I open the car door. When he sees us packing, he hops onto our love seat in the corner of the living room and watches us drag suitcases down stairs and across the kitchen floor. His stare is glazed over: the " please tell me this isn't happening"  kind of look. We always pack his stuff last and that's when he knows for sure he can't escape the trip. His gaze turns into hiding his snout under his front paws when Clark approaches him with the leash. For a second, he hopes the leash's purpose is for a walk, but he knows better.  

When Scout was a puppy, he threw up every single time we drove him to the vet for his series of shots. I thought all dogs loved to go for rides, so I was completely surprised when the vet told us that occasionally, dogs get car sick. He added, " Some dogs exhibit stress when they are confined to a moving vehicle and their fear leads to vomiting. Some outgrow it and some do not." 

" Great," I thought. My mental picture of Scout sniffing wildflowers and hiking switchbacks with us in Colorado and cavorting in the waves of the Gulf of Mexico was beginning to change. I hated giving up on the idea that Scout could be our companion everywhere we went with just the occasional boarding experience. We rescued him in order to be with him and to enjoy him. I thought that included taking him with us on road trips. 

 The "doggie camp" people try to make you think that your dog is fine being confined to a cage, a concrete floor, and artificial turf.  You are given many options as to the kind of experience you want your dog to have while he is in jail. Does he prefer classical music or current hits? Would he enjoy a large screen with DogTV?  Does he prefer playtime or alone time?  How often does he want time outside? I have tried to stay within a normal range of extras because I don't think Scout cares if he listens to Beethoven or Taylor Swift, so whatever they are playing on their Apple Music or Spotify is fine with me. And he would only be interested in a TV show that pictured squirrels or cats 24/7 and that would not be soothing for him or anybody else within barking range. But he does care about how much time he gets outside with other dogs and humans, so I pay extra for that. 

When we left Scout at the last boarding kennel, we were given a web address so that we could watch him interact with the other dogs and the attendant --just like parents of kids at summer camp. I got online at the appointed time to observe Scout come into the large playroom with other dogs his size. I didn't like what I saw. 

 Scout was at the human's feet, looking up to make eye contact, patiently waiting to be lifted into her arms for an ear scratch or a tummy rub. He quietly followed her around while she offered her love and attention to other dogs by picking them up one at a time.  He continued to be available to her, skipping the chance to play with the other dogs. She never ever chose him, even though miles away I was wailing at her, thinking she could feel my vibe through the air.

 "Pick him, pick him!" I screamed at the screen to no avail. And then the pack left to go in the back for rest time. As I watched Scout trot through the door with his ears down and his tail limp, I just couldn't understand why he was not worthy of a quick show of affection. He was very well behaved and deserved a pat or two, but the attendant continued to overlook him for the more delicate and deluxe varieties. That was exactly why I wanted Scout to skip the dog facilities. Nobody was going to love on Scout like we do, plus it cost an arm and a leg for him to hang out there for a week. 

We take Scout on the three hour trip to Houston every time we go which is quite often. Annie, the Golden Retriever, who belongs to my daughter and her family, lives there. Scout adores her and he knows when we turn into her neighborhood that she is waiting at the other end. Three hours to get to Annie is worth the ride. 

He also goes to Oxford, Mississippi with us where we have a small cottage out from town that we rent for football games and Ole Miss/Oxford events. But the twelve hours to get to Mississippi is a long day. We have tried a dog seat belt in his bed in the back seat, but he is so miserable that he chokes himself trying to get to the front seat where we are- and throwing up is always on the horizon. Scout doesn't seem as nervous and unhappy if he is in front with us. We have tried other tactics but the tried and true no vomit method is lap riding. There is less panting and more sleeping. 

 And yes, I know, it is not safe for him to be loose in the car. But I am old enough to remember that as kids, we were unrestricted during trips, and when I got car sick, riding shotgun was the feather in my nauseated cap. Scout and I have both graduated from the dramamine tablets, but we are still marginal when it comes to moving in any vehicle for long periods of time. Even if I am covered in collie fur and nose drips when we arrive at our destination, we travel together in the front. So when he hesitates when jumping into the car, I get it. Scout and I like what we experience once we get where we are going, but the getting there is another thing.  

 * Update: We have convinced Scout that he's safer in a harness and seatbelt. 

Yard Fight

It has been my experience that when we have moved into a new house with an old yard, there is always something that makes me question the prior owners' choices of landscaping.  Like why did you cram a crepe myrtle next to the house so that I am constantly trimming it off the roof or why did you plant a bay leaf magnolia over the back patio so that leaves are so thick in the fall they are ankle deep? Or why in the name of all that is good and decent did you let hundreds and I do mean hundreds (I had trapped over 200 by the time we left) of voles move into every available plant root system in the yard?  These are the things that I faced in Memphis that I resented every season when I had to "clean up" a mess that I didn't make. I can't even begin to tell you about the pond that was beautiful for the first two weeks in Spring with the cute little frogs croaking....until it was a pool of green slime that I could have marketed to kids who love to make the stuff.  I know we all have those nagging garden irritants that we have to deal with on a regular basis and it makes gardening nothing like the shows you see on TV where someone is happily planting some beautiful annuals while wearing a cute little apron and sunhat.   

But nothing tops our Texas hill country yard fight. The family who sold us the house decided that the front yard needed a face lift and decided to plant three large agaves, the middle one being five feet tall and counting.  Why oh why did God make agave? Wait. Tequila, of course. And there are places in Mexico where they are farmed for this delicious beverage. But ours is not of that variety. When I kept impaling my hands on the sharp toothed fronds this morning I wondered why this big treacherous thing exists. And to add insult to physical injury, it puts out pups--that's what the baby plants are called. And, boy, is it a promiscuous plant, because they are everywhere and if you don't dig them up, they grow to be the same size as their parent with the same teeth and needles. I'm pretty sure the Native Americans used them for sewing buffalo hides and such. They could pierce metal. And ours are along the front walk into our house. So if you don't know us, you might think we are trying to deter you from "sittin on our porch awhile".

This is not our first rodeo with this menacing plant. When we first moved in, we were trying to whip this Texas yard into shape. (impossible with cactus and rock)

I have lived the majority of my life in the deep South, having fluffy and soft flowers and shrubs. That is not this land. Clark was using a chain saw to rip up some old and perhaps snake infested cactus when we noticed a large agave with her pups in the area the kids had been playing.  I told him to go for it. He revved up the chain saw and was dismembering its arms when the alien plant started spitting all over him. This thing was alive and fighting back.  White juice covered any flesh that was not protected. And then he began to burn. "Corlea, I'm on fire!" he said. He jumped into the shower and emerged with welts everywhere the juice had landed. We considered the ER but ended up at the pharmacy and the staff shaking their heads. 

The agave is still out there, itching for a fight. It will always win but I have cut some of the needles off the top fronds so when people walk by they won't be stuck in the eye or other body part. Other than that, since they are too big to dig up, we have to put up with these ultrahazardous beings for 15 to 20 years when they produce one 30 foot ugly flower and then they DIE.  I hope I'm alive to see it.  

A Very Bad Experience

I am watching the Ford/Kavanaugh proceedings just like everyone else, and I am seeing a lot of posts on Facebook about how Dr. Ford was making up her story for money or for political reasons.  I also saw President Trump make light of her testimony while in Southhaven because she couldn't remember important dates, times, and places. The way he quoted her was really dismissive and mean. All he had to say was that he didn't believe her. However, I found her fragile and believable. That's my opinion--I have no more substantiation than the next person. 
These hearings brought up a personal story that I haven't thought of in years but I want to share with you. Just because you can't remember when or where something traumatic happened to you doesn't mean it didn't happen.
In or around 1970 while I was a student at Ole Miss, I was asked to go on a blind date with a "friend" of a friend and her boyfriend. I made a bad choice to go. (I can't remember the exact year.) The person who set me up is deceased, so I cannot ask her his name. Yep, I can't remember his name! When he picked me up, he asked me if I liked strawberry daiquiries. I said I did even though I was not a big drinker. What's his name took me to his trailer where he lived alone and mixed up a batch of daiquiries. I can't remember the street or even anything that could help me place what area of Oxford this guy lived in.
I had not eaten supper and he did not offer me anything to eat.  I drank a large glass of the concoction and I sat down on his couch. He started to try to kiss me and press up against me.  I was embarrassed and scared and really didn't know what to do next. I didn't know him at all so I didn't know how he would react to my rejections. What had my friend told him about me that he was so presumptuous to dive right in with the aggressive behavior? We watched TV and I fended him off and as I began to feel the effects of the alcohol, I also began to get nauseated.  I excused myself, went to his bathroom, threw up and missed the toilet.  I grabbed a rug and placed it on top of my vomit. I laughed to myself because I thought that he would get a surprise when he went into the bathroom.
When I returned, I told him I didn't feel well, and he probably noticed that I had gotten sick and did not waste time to take me back to the dorm or sorority house.  I can't remember where I was living at the time.  And it's not because I was drunk or that I had blacked out. I had one large sweet drink that made me sick and I am guessing that vomit breath was a turn off, because that date could have gone really bad for me.
When my friend asked me how the date went, I told her the story and she and her boyfriend made me feel awkward--as if I were not telling the truth . I never saw that guy again anywhere at anytime on campus or elsewhere.  I can't remember telling most of my friends about my "daiquiri date" because I felt ashamed-like somehow I had presented myself as a big drinker or a promiscuous girl. I felt like the only reason I was on that date was for that guy to see how far he could get with me sexually. It made me feel as if I was just a thing, not a person. And I was questioning myself. I doubt that most of my friends could recall this event, even the guy who set up the date, who I have not seen since college.  I just know it is possible to have something scary happen to you, you get out of it, and you don't remember the big stuff.
Good thing I don't have to tell this to a judiciary committee--I could be discredited by the people who were elected to serve our country and even mocked by the president --and they could make me feel like it wasn't the truth --just like my friend who got me that stupid blind date. 

Ode to Mrs. Clanton

It was approaching Spring, another boring uneventful day

I was out on the playground during lunch and wanting to stay

I thought I heard the bell ring as we ran to get into line

It was the same routine we had done time after time 

Mrs. Clanton was on duty, in the shade as was her usual place

I had no idea I would be receiving a slap in the face.

Mrs. Clanton was reading her newspaper by the door

She said, “ The bell hasn’t rung, get out there and hang out some more

You kids have more time to talk- you’ll have to come in and be quiet soon”

I said, “Mrs. Clanton, the hands on my watch say it’s noon”

Then Mrs. Clanton took her paper and rolled it up in a great haste

And slapped me really hard against the side of my face

I was shocked and embarrassed, and kept the tears at bay

Mrs. Clanton looked at our group and began to say

That there would be no talking back where she was concerned

And that she hoped that a lesson was truly learned

And I wanted to run really fast to get out of that place

The day Mrs. Clanton used the newspaper to slap me in the face.

When I got back in class, I quickly took my seat

But I could still feel the red in my cheeks with all of that heat

I wondered what my mother would say when I got home

I begged her not to call the principal on the phone

I told her I would tell him myself at my own pace

That my seventh grade reading teacher slapped me in the face

Fifty five years have come and gone since I felt that hit

Mrs. Clanton never said she was sorry-not one little bit

I never really liked her much anyway

And can’t imagine what would happen to her today

And me, I try to laugh about my disgrace

The day Mrs. Clanton hauled off and slapped me in the face.